Kenny's Teh Smex
by so-they-say
Summary: Craig and Kenny have an interesting conversation about Kenny's sex life. With everyone. Based off the stereotype that Kenny is a sex-god...even though I'm sure he is. Oneshot sort of deal.


..lmfao.

Okay. I know this is unacceptable. But I got bored!!!! And I saw the episode Super Fun Time...and then with all the fanart on deviantart...

I couldn't help myself. X_X *gives self weird look* Kenny and Craig is now one of my favorite south-park pairings. Just because. Hey, they held hands once, you know...

lol. Sorry. **This story isn't meant to be funny, but it is to me. **

I'm having slight writer's block with Try For Me...so this was a fun break.

* * *

We watched Milly, Red, and Heidi walk by us, on their way to the caffeteria.

"Freak in bed, virgin, slut." he pointed out, bored.

I just nodded. "Figured."

Kenny and I were loitering around in the hallway, leaning on lockers and checking out girls. Everyone at school knew by now that Kenny was a sex-demon. I knew it too. And I had to admit, it had some advantages.

When Wendy walked by, I nudged him.

"Eh. Very dominant."

"So Stan _doesn't _wear the pants in that relationship."

He snorted.

I don't really know when I started hanging out with Kenny, or why. If you thought about it, it was weird that we would be friends at all. I had my clique of friends, he had his. Not to mention that I usually thought of all of them (including Kenny) as assholes, for the most part. I don't know. I don't care, either. The point was that now we were friends. And it was interesting.

In the blur of students going to lunch, I saw the top of Stan's stupid puff-ball hat, and I didn't even have to look to find Kyle Brofloski, following right behind him. It made me wonder.

"Whaddya think about _them?"_ I asked randomly, nodding towards Stan and Kyle.

Kenny didn't even pause to think about it. "Butt-buddies."

Well, no surprise there.

I just nodded again. "Figured."

But it got me thinking. Kenny was notorious for being one of the biggest man-whores in the state of Colorado. Did that include…?

A little cautious, I pointed out Butters. Him and Cartman were arguing about something. As they walked by, I managed to make-out something. _Hello Kitty…Mr. Kitty? Kitties? Why were they talking about cats? _"So what about Cartman? Butters?" I asked. I didn't really care, but they were a part of my experiment.

"Butters plays catcher, Cartman's a sexually repressed freak. "

There was an awkward silence as I caught his eye, questions starting to form in my head.

"He's got some fetishes." Kenny said bluntly. Seeing my expression, he smirked. "What, you want to know about them? I can tell you, but they're pretty freaky…"

Bad mental images. I shook my head violently, then went back to looking at the crowd. Trying to pick out more guys I knew.

"Kevin? Token?"

"Token's ok, Kevin's a pussy."

I put on my famous blank-poker face, devoid of all emotion. "Ah. I see."

Kenny chuckled. "Any more you want to know about?"

"…Clyde. Jimmy."

"Eh…Clyde's got a small dick. And Jimmy moan-stutters."

"….riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

A thought came into my head that was just too interesting to ignore.

"Alright then, what about…Tweek?"

There was a long moment's pause. I was almost nervous . But not enough. I looked at him from the corner of my eye.

Kenny was grinning ear to ear, his teeth glinting in the darkness under his hood. It was an all-knowing, evil smile. And I couldn't help but want to smile back.

"He lasts. A loooong time."

Poker-face intact, "Oh really?"

"Like the energizer bunny, babe." Kenny purred.

I thought about it for a moment, then sighed, leaning back against the lockers. I shut my eyes. This was too much information about too many people that I did NOT need to know. But I couldn't resist. It was like looking into the deep dark secrets of everyone around me…and I liked that power.

"Pip." I said in a monotone.

"Is a good bitch."

"Dog-Poo."

"Once you get over the smell, not so bad."

I frowned, my eyes still shut. "…Timmy."

"A little difficult…but he's pretty good at oral..."

Something deep inside me shuddered, and I was forced to wonder…a LOT…about my new friend. A _lot._

"Mr. Garrison."

"When he was Mr., or Ms.?"

"…both."

I could practically hear him grinning. "Lots of experience."

_Yep. I think a part of my soul just died._

"Mr. Mackey?"

Kenny made a deep, low moan from the back of his throat that I turned me on in ways I didn't even want to think about…and then ruined it by groaning "Mkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy~!" right into my left ear.

I twitched.

"You're a freak, man." I said after a while. I was lost in too many thoughts, ideas, and mental images to care.

He chuckled lightly….and then his voice became serious. Almost sweet. "I bet I can guess what you're thinking."

"You mean besides you, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Mackey hooking up in a janitor closet?"

Kenny laughed. "Oh, so you were there too?"

I gagged a little inside.

"But no, I meant your question. I know you're dying to ask."

"Oh, that one. Well, I think it's pretty obvious by now."

"Yeah…just in case you were curious."

I opened an eye, analyzing him. The faded, stretched orange parka. The gangly, tall frame. Bits of blonde hair occasionally poking out of his hood. _I'm not seeing the sex-appeal…_

"So you really did it with everyone I just listed." I stated.

"Pretty much, yeah. Other people too. Many, many others. Except for Stan and Kyle, unfortunately."

"Why not them..?"

"Eh, Kyle can't handle threesomes…and Stan's overprotective. So no chance of me getting any there."

I whistled, long. Like a sigh. "Damn, Kenny."

"Yep."

We just looked at each other. I was vaguely aware of the empty hallway, the muffled noises from the lunch room. How long had we been standing here?

"So you're saying more than half of the male-students here….are gay."

"Everyone's a _little_ gay, Craig. I'd say most of them are straight. For the most part."

I just shook my head.

Kenny slid closer to me, automatically making me wary. "Aw, what, Craig? Are you telling me you've never had some gay thoughts before?" His voice became incredibly soft…and then his lips were practically on my ear; I could feel his warm breath tickle the skin, my neck…"Maybe a gay fantasy or two…?"

It didn't affect me. "No." My voice sounded pretty nasal. Bored.

Kenny pulled back, almost a hurt.

I smirked, flicking him the finger. "You know, for such a slut, I'd expected you to be a lot better at flirting than this…" I taunted. "I'm pretty un-impressed."

The moment the words were out, I regretted them. Kenny's evil, perverted, all-things-wrong grin slid across his face again. "Oh really, Craig…?" he murmured dangerously. He was even closer than before, a hand tugging at the end of my jacket.

"Really."

Kenny took off his hood.

I stared. I hadn't seen Kenny with his hood off…in a long time. Since we were little kids, in elementary school. To see it now was like looking at some older, different, sexy stranger….

Damnit, Kenny….

His eyes were hypnotizing as he moved in on me, his lips at my ear again, his hands finding their way to my hips, one trailing up into my shirt, the other circling down…

"You wanna try too, Craig?" he was smiling, moving to look me in the eyes. Our faces were centimeters apart. "We can, if you want….and I know you want to…."

…Did I…?

….should I….?

No. I shouldn't. Not today.

As hard as it was, I pushed Kenny off. He looked pretty surprised…and impressed. "So you're playing hard to get, huh Craig…?"

I gave him the finger.

He grinned. "Definitely hard to get."

I turned away, heading to the cafeteria. "Later, Kenny." I said over my shoulder.

"You bet your ass, later…."

I didn't laugh…but I smiled. I gave him the finger again, without looking back.


End file.
